Campus Squirrels to Start Paying Tuition Starting 2019

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By Sam Johnson ’19

On Thursday afternoon, The Gunnery announced that starting with the 2019-20 school year, the squirrels that live on campus will start paying tuition.

“I’ve had many meetings with the chief squirrel over the past few weeks and we’ve decided that this is for the best,” stated Peter Becker, Head of School, with acorns falling out of his pockets. “I’m looking forward to bridging the gap between the student body and the hundreds of squirrels that are constantly running around our campus.”

Tuition will be 60,000 acorns per year for each squirrel, but financial aid will be offered to those who show academic and athletic promise. The squirrels’ tuition will include housing and food. “The squirrels will be moving into Gunn Dorm,” said Craig Badger, Associate Dean of Students, who organizes student housing. “We were going to put them in Brinsmade, but it turns out that the rooms are so small it’s actually animal cruelty. Good thing they don’t have a rule like that for humans.” When asked where the senior boys who usually live in Gunn will live starting in the 2019-20 school year, Mr. Badger said, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

Another concern is how the Dining Hall will prepare for the influx of squirrels, in terms of the food they will consume. The Dining Hall staff dodged the question, only saying, “I hope they like pasta.”

Squirrels will also have the option to enroll in classes, but the chief squirrel does not seem to agree with this. “The education system in America is broken. Students are constantly being compared to their peers and this creates an atmosphere of competition that can become very toxic. Teens (squirrels included) shouldn’t have their success measured by how well they can memorize a sheet of words or solve a math problem. That’s just absurd,” he said.

Some faculty think that this is an overall win for the school, but others disagree. “I hate the squirrels,”  said Seth Low, Associate Head of School, who coincidentally had small scratches all over his face. “I’m scheduled to get tested for rabies later this afternoon.”

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