Upon the luminous dawning of February 2, 2022, a shadow engulfed the earth as our beloved groundhog, Milltown Mel succumbed to his deadly fate. This famed groundhog at the age of six or seven (which is old for this class of rodent) still displayed the youthful demeanor of a young man. His death struck at the eve of his greatest feat: Groundhog’s Day. We spectate in anticipation for the mighty groundhog to bestow us with his weather predictions, teasing us with the warm sun that kisses our tan spring and summer skin. The festivities were immediately canceled in Milltown, New Jersey, in honor of the distinguished resident, Mr. Mel. No replacement could be presented during this highly esteemed national event due to most groundhog habitats still in hibernation. Milltown Mel is a part of a tradition that spans a lineage of 10 years. His handlers are in search of a substitute for this annual ceremony; and a nation is left grieving as we have lost an American hero. We extend our deepest condolences and offer tender solace to anyone in debilitating mourning.
We love you, Miltown Mel, may your celestial soul that extends past our sphere of reality rest in the most tranquil of peace….you dirty, filthy, and stinky rodent. <3